She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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