I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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