the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize