Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
