....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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