I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
