That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
