last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
