if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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