I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
