Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
