NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
