I want to have your abortion
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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