I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
