I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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