hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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