I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
