I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
