textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
