My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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