Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
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How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Houston, we have a squirter
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
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no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Just high enough for therapy.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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