Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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