I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
she told me i tasted like america
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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