I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
