I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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