Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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