I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
