There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
