if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
