that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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