i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
