I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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