why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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