Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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