How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
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If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
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College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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