My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
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Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
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he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
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