apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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