If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
