I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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