Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
