Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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