How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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