Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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