come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
