hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
