dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You are the jesus of drinking
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
