I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
