I'm gonna have a badass scar
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
