Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
