I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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