he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
