I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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