Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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