Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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