He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
