I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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