every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
In other news, I just burned my penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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