Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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