you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Randomize
