I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
