my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
