Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
