Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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